One of those nights..

After being sick and utterly miserable for the past few days, I decided to blog. Its one of those nights where there is a whole lot on my mind and no matter how much I talk about it, I cannot fully come to terms with what I’m feeling.

But before I go into the serious stuff, I must say that even after its been off the air for over five years, I have come to adore Sex and the City. Sarah Jessica Parker=AMAZING

Okay, anywho. Today I found out that someone who was as close to me…passed earlier this week. This woman..I considered invincible. She was so strong and sweet and loved me. Its been nearly a decade since I’ve last spoken to her.The resounding nagging of mother is on constant replay in my head “Maquita, send Ms. Nellie a picture, she wants to see you,” and I would always walk away with the thought of me doing it later. Well my later never came. Nor will it ever.

It is the funniest thing how people always save their apologies until the person is no longer able to accept them. It seems as if the flood of emotion is always felt after the opportunity has passed, everything you ever did wrong, is finally realized and there is nothing that can possibly be done to fix it. It sucks.

But after today, I realized how selfish I have been to those who I claim to love the most.  Selfish for not giving them all the love that they deserve. Putting myself first in everything I do, instead of thinking about how it may affect those around me.

8 days ago, a woman walked into my office asking how have I made a difference in the world around me. I mentioned how great of a friend I am to those I call my friends, and as I was speaking, I couldn’t help but think it was not nearly enough than what I could have done. Yeah I listen, I nod my head at the right times, say the words that I truly think and give a hug or two through the tearful ordeal, but is that really enough to help change my world?

hmmm…well I don’t really know what to say..this blog is getting jumbled and I know my readers wont understand..but yeah.                 I don’t think I can make a career about this blogging thing (: my mind is a little too far out.

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