Life is Good I Can’t Complain…I mean I could But no one’s Listening..

Ever feel like that sometimes? Like the whole world is on your shoulders yet you have no one to turn to?

I haven’t written a blog in a good while.A new job, college and friends can definately occupy a good amount of time.

I have to say though. Since the last time I’ve written, I have grown. I can FINALLY say I am comfortable in my own skin and it did not have to be due to a specific person or action. I just love me.

But I can say that it is due to my faith. When I learned to officially “Let Go and Let God” things fell into place. It may not have been the way I initially wanted to, but it turned out the way GOD wanted it to. And that is fine by me.I loved, I lost, I gained, I rekindled, and I forgave.

Forgave those who hurt me and most importantly I forgave myself.
If the Creator of all things can forgive the most awful of sins, why can’t I? What makes me so special?

Just a thought for the night. I will try to improve my writings.

Now Playing: Johnny Diaz (:

One of those nights..

After being sick and utterly miserable for the past few days, I decided to blog. Its one of those nights where there is a whole lot on my mind and no matter how much I talk about it, I cannot fully come to terms with what I’m feeling.

But before I go into the serious stuff, I must say that even after its been off the air for over five years, I have come to adore Sex and the City. Sarah Jessica Parker=AMAZING

Okay, anywho. Today I found out that someone who was as close to me…passed earlier this week. This woman..I considered invincible. She was so strong and sweet and loved me. Its been nearly a decade since I’ve last spoken to her.The resounding nagging of mother is on constant replay in my head “Maquita, send Ms. Nellie a picture, she wants to see you,” and I would always walk away with the thought of me doing it later. Well my later never came. Nor will it ever.

It is the funniest thing how people always save their apologies until the person is no longer able to accept them. It seems as if the flood of emotion is always felt after the opportunity has passed, everything you ever did wrong, is finally realized and there is nothing that can possibly be done to fix it. It sucks.

But after today, I realized how selfish I have been to those who I claim to love the most.  Selfish for not giving them all the love that they deserve. Putting myself first in everything I do, instead of thinking about how it may affect those around me.

8 days ago, a woman walked into my office asking how have I made a difference in the world around me. I mentioned how great of a friend I am to those I call my friends, and as I was speaking, I couldn’t help but think it was not nearly enough than what I could have done. Yeah I listen, I nod my head at the right times, say the words that I truly think and give a hug or two through the tearful ordeal, but is that really enough to help change my world?

hmmm…well I don’t really know what to say..this blog is getting jumbled and I know my readers wont understand..but yeah.                 I don’t think I can make a career about this blogging thing (: my mind is a little too far out.

Stupid in Love Pt.1

Clearly, I’ve been lying to myself about how I feel about you.

I’ve been fighting this ongoing battle of the constant “he loves me, he loves me not.”

But instead of rose petals being plucked, it was tears that were being wiped away from my face.

Me. Growing excruciatingly bitter each moment I thought of you and her.

 Yet,I was the last one you spoke to before you laid your on your pillow; and the first one who helped you shake the cobwebs from your mind as you awoke.

What am I to you? Never have I been so deathly plagued with the trouble of love.

I leave that pool of emotion for the ones I loved the most to endure, while I lent a shoulder or an ear for support.

When it comes to you, all of my common sense heads out the window.

Even when you just treat me like one of the “others.”

Yet when I return the favor, hot venom is spewed , words not meant to be said are spoken and  then we are no longer speaking. Dude, what do you want from me?

I give up.

You are worse than a puzzle composed of 1000 pieces.

I see you as an Egyptian tomb composed of so many chambers; when I stepped to quickly, my doom was met.

 Maybe I am just stupid.

Dumb for depriving myself of sleep and the  love that I deserve.

 Dumb for keeping you on constant replay in my mind.

Dumb as hell for loving you as much as I do.

-M.A.D.

A new blog post thingy..

It's my brothers Birthday Weekend so happy happy happy Birthdayyy to him <3 I love you!

10:01pm

First off….something’s gotta give starring Diane Keaton is an extremely cute movie…just had to say that

Well..today I feel changed…or whatever that means. These past two weeks have been a rollercoaster for me. I’ve fought with those I never I would have to..I loved on those I never thought needed it…and prayed for those who I thought I had everything.  Life has been throwing curveballs at many people lately. And all I’ve been hearing is “why me, what about john and jane who always do this and this and never do that, why couldn’t it happen to them?” I think every obstacle should be used as an opportunity to be overturned into a blessing. Instead of complaining and blaming what happened 50 million years ago on your current status, why not turn it around and fix it? 

  But as for me feeling “changed,” I feel as if I need to do something to make a difference in this world.  Yeah being there for friends and helping out others whenever I can is cool and all, but I feel as if I need to do more. I mean crime, domestic violence and  rape, is going on all around even in the county I just recently moved from where I never thought it possible. I think it would be selfish of me to just shrug it off and continue to be absorbed in only what was going on in my bubble. I don’t know. I know it will be a subject that I will expand on later down the road. But I do know that I am going to make a change. What will it be? I don’t know.

But for those who I havent spoken to in a while, just know that I love yall and I hope everything is going peachykeen on your side of town.

BTW: I am SO late but, Sugarland’s new album The Incredible Machine is FABULOUS.Even if you don’t think you like country, it isn’t so much country-ish. It has a Rock, Pop Hip-hop sound which is great. I recommend Tonight and Every Girl Like Me.

Peace and Love always

-MAD

10:33

Just wishing and hopin and plannin’ and dreaming..

7:15

Tell me Why????

not really..at least at the moment anyway. I am currently takin a trip back in time and watching “my best friends wedding.” but  that’s not the purpose of my blog. I’ve been slacking on this whole writing thing, and I hope to be more…consistent.

Anywho, last night the AMA’S came on, and I had only one specific purpose of watching. THE BACKSTREET BOYS! when I was watching, I couldn’t help but remember how life was soo much simpler back then. When I would hide away from family and jump around in my room blasting their music. I didn’t have much to worry about other than “if my Barbie doll was better than the other girls'” or “whether or not to play jump rope or hopscotch (?) in P.E.”

Now, its “do I put in that extra hour of study time or do I get an extra hour of sleep?” or “do I pay this bill now,or wait until my next check?”

Life has definitely changed ALOT for me. I see things in a whole different perspective than I usually would. I complain a lot less and smile a whole lot more! To think, less than six months ago, I was walking across a stage getting my diploma, planning a powder puff football game and talking 3 am trips to walgreens with my cousins.  Now, I’m preparing to be a godmommy for the first time and an aunt again; while balancing school,work, love and friends.

hmmm…isnt it interesting how life goes? well I’m thankful.extremely blessed. And completely happy.And I wouldn’t have this crazy life I live and love any other way <3

(I couldn’t help myself :D )

Licking the Last of My Scars

At  9:53 pm on a friday night, while a ballad from Kelly C. hums from pc’s speakers I sit back and revel in this feeling of love that is currently flowing throughout my body. Memories of my younger self float through my head of things I have done and suprisingly I feel no shame. It is a wonder how something as simple as forgiveness can change an entire situation. I have forgiven myself and those who have hurt me and it feels amazing. I am no longer a slave to what has happened..it is long gone and I wouldnt undo my trials even if i could.  The purpose of my first blog is to put out a challenge to whomever reads it..Do you think you can forgive those who hurt you?whether it was 10 minutes or 10 years ago?  I dont think anyone can be truly happy until they drop all of the baggage they have been carrying..I was watching a tyler perry play the other day and he said “you cant fly with a bunch of things weighing you down,” and that is so very true…well this is my first blog and I didnt want it to be entirely long…but anywho this is all until the next one..

Peace and Amor Always

“Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake Up and Live!”

-10:07